Vesica porci! Welcome to the official homepage of The Fighting Illuminati!, the greatest National Football League franchise never to exist. We do not admit to possessing a stadium, television contract, or indeed, players. Our secrecy stems partially from our goal of covert world domination and primarily from the fact that I've got no money whatsoever. When that changes, though, ooh, watch out.

Our colors

The official colors of The Fighting Illuminati! are Vast Emptiness of Space Black and Gnomes of Zürich Gold, respectively symbolizing our opponents' infinitesimal insignifigance before us and the hoards of wealth we will soon amass.

Our logo

The official logo of The Fighting Illuminati! is the traditional oculus in pyramidis with our all-seeing eye replaced by our ever-victorious vesica porci. The legend reads not Novus Ordo Seclorum but the more appropriate Novus Ordo Craticulæ, "New Order of the Gridiron." Cower before it!

Our personnel

Unlike today's snivelling corporations, we freely admit that our people are not our most vaulable asset. Our underground hoards of gold are our most valuable asset. People are bipedal Kleenex as far as we're concerned. Still, for your perusal, here are photographs of the motley crew of misfits, renegades, psychopaths, and assorted lunatics whom we employ. Check back frequently, as their usefulness, and hence lifespan, is limited.

Our quarterback

Better looking than Jim Plunkett.

Our MadScience® Labs have produced incredible advances in helmet technology!

Our head coach

Tackle 'em, Danno!

Chin, I want you to scout every high-school defensive back in America!

Our offensive coordinator

Citizen Orson

We will start no line before its time.

Our defensive coordinator

Rick, Rick, you must help me Rick!

Soon I will possess the Atlanta Falcon...

Our scouts

Bad edit, I know.

Forget him, Jake. He's lyin' around.

Our playbook

Steal this!

Herein lie all the secrets of The Fighting Illuminati!
Unfortunately, it takes most recruits three years to get up to speed on Middle Egyptian.

Our front office

Varsity letters of transit

Garrett (l.) and Bill (c.) plot draft strategy as Julie (r.) looks on.

The Fighting Illuminati! are a proud member of
Jive-Time Joey's Freakadelic Football Funk-a-Doodle-Do